Cheers to the amazing hairdresser who managed the “I just got shot by my best friend’s wife and now I’m lying on the floor bleeding out, so I’m in my mind palace in a panic trying to figure out how to stop myself from dying which is obviously a nearly impossible task but of course I usually do more than a few impossible things in a given day, so I’m not excessively intimidated, but this really is a pickle I seem to have found myself in, god, how did I not see that one coming, stupid stupid stupid, argh, well must push on now, got to find a way to stay alive against all odds, and ouch, you know it’s a bit painful as well, quite painful, getting shot nearly in the heart, hard to ignore something like that, even for me, and ouch again, I have all these feels as well, because I would very happily die for my clean-shaven and very attractive friend John if that’s what I had to do, except that me dying right now is going to put him in a tremendous amount of danger, now that I think of it, because his wife is, as it turns out, an assassin and I missed it, do you know how many obvious things I’ve missed lately, what with the whole being in love with John situation, for one, I sort of glossed over that for a bit too long, dammit, and then I failed to notice when he married a pyschopath pretending to be a perfectly normal lady, I should have picked up on both of those things before now, I know, I really am an idiot, a real idiot with hearts for eyes, but you can’t blame me, look at John, he’s brilliant, he’s to die for, I can’t help it, but ouch, let’s focus on the whole bullet wound situation for the moment, shall we, or he really will be one to die for, and rather soonish, I’m afraid, oh ouch” tousled look.
i knew who wrote this after the first sentence.