Today marks a big day for me. I’m finally starting the steps to get my son an “official diagnosis” for whatever special needs he has. The past 8 years have been rough. I never thought parenting would be like this.
Once, when I was pregnant, I sat at a conference with a mother who used her son’s ADHD diagnosis to excuse all of his behaviors. As a professional who has worked with hundreds (literally) of kids with special needs, I have been trained how to make accommodations. I had accommodated her child just fine, but he simply didn’t want to do anything and used his disability as a crutch. I finally told her that I was done with the conference and that if she had other issues with me she could take it up with the superintendent or principal.
I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and as she left the table, she said acidly, “I hope YOUR baby has a disability so you know what it’s like.”
Well, 8 years later, that baby has problems. He’s had problems since he was born. I hate labels, and I would hope never to “excuse” my child’s actions by blaming it solely on a diagnosis. But perhaps I have a better idea now what it’s like to fail at parenting even though you try really, really hard.
Off to the child psychologist now. Wish me luck.
Good luck, darling!
You know I’ve got two ADD kids of my own, and the older one Aspie as well. It’s HARD. The hardest part is knowing what’s their disability and what’s just them being recalcitrant or lazy. So far, all their teachers have been awesome (at least, they try hard and they work with me and they’re open to communication, and I really can’t ask for better than that.) But we do butt heads over whether it’s ‘laziness’ or ‘disorder’.
I’m having trouble with Phoenix right now, who’s in 5th grade and having a terrible time doing his homework. (Seriously, sometimes it takes us 2 hours to do 6 minutes worth of homework.) His teacher pushes pretty hard, which is tough to take. But I DO have to admit that he’s performing better for her than I would have predicted (which means some of it IS voluntary, and he’s just accustomed to taking advantage of me.)
This is exacerbated by the fact that 5 years ago, when Phoenix first got sick with the CIDP, he was paralyzed and we literally thought it would gradually extend to his lungs and heart and KILL HIM (thanks, you motherfucking doctor who should have kept your fucking mouth shut). I am FAR more protective of Phoenix and his limits, I think, than I would be if I’d never actively thought I’d lose him; and this gives him a lot of leeway in pushing me to see how much I’ll do for him.
It’s not an easy path.
However, an official diagnosis has helped IMMEASURABLY with both my children. Both in my own ability to rein in my frustration and rearrange my expectations, and in their teachers’ boundaries and expectations. The accommodations in the IEP and the annual meetings with teachers/principal/sp.ed. teachers helps keep everyone on the same page, and it’s invaluable. So don’t be upset, no matter what the result may be.
And here’s this about Aspies in my life. My husband is one (I suspect), and he’s what I fondly call the “Aspie Wrangler” at his company for those who are a little more severe than he is. They, every single one of them, are well-paid, well-respected and in an environment that accommodates their needs without it ever having to be spelled out. (This is in software design, which seems to attract the type.) I’m sure they cry over their ‘disability’ all the way to the bank, and then home to their wife and kids, ya know?
I’ve often thought that Benedict Cumberbatch was affected by ADHD in his youth, and look where he is now. Look at Richard Branson. Look at Adam Levine and Justin Timberlake (ADD + OCD, which is a doozy). Just, having a diagnosis, any diagnosis, doesn’t apply limits. It just helps you to understand what’s going on better, and to open up opportunities that you might otherwise know nothing about.
I’m not a parent, but I am a 37 year old adult that was finally diagnosed with depression and ADHD a couple years ago, and recently realized that yes, I absolutely have inattentive ADHD.
I can’t go back in time and make someone realize sooner or change my past, but I will tell you that hard as I’m sure it is, your kid will know you cared and you tried.
I’m not blaming my parents – ADHD wasn’t as well known when I was young, especially in girls – but I do sometimes wonder how much different my life would have been.
Good luck with everything and I’m sure it will work out, one way or another