ok,, listen there’s about 2 Billion reasons and i could write a book about them,, but i’ll try and answer this not so much in relation to my embarrassingly intense crush but just about thirteen in general because i think i actually having some pretty interesting stuff to say (for once in my life.)
i ramble a lil but hopefully you read through to the end <3
i think a huge part of why i love her so much is funnily enough actually her relationship with gender. i’m a woman but i’ve never truly felt feminine, but also not really masculine. even saying that ‘i’m a woman’ sounds really awkward to me and makes me feel kinda queasy, even though i suppose it’s true. i dunno if it’s internalised misogyny or what but i’m not sure i exactly want to find out. my gender and body have always felt like things that were given to me and that’s just what i’ve got to ‘work with’ if that makes sense. this actually makes it pretty hard to actually be able to connect with people because i’m not sure that they know what to make of me? there’s certainly that feeling that i could literally be from another planet and it wouldn’t make a difference at all.
seeing jodie embody a character who has previously mostly presented as male now presenting as female and having to get used to that and sometimes slipping up is really weirdly validating? i’ve never been able to relate or look up to a female character on tv or in film ever and then suddenly there’s this character that i completely understand and it kinda felt like my brain was exploding a little bit? like — legitimately i’ve never seen a female character like her on screen before, who was an outcast, kind but damaged, funny, intelligent. women simply aren’t written that way and it majorly sucks.
when i look at my favourite characters in the past they all pretty much follow along with that basic archetype — sherlock holmes, tony stark, remus lupin, will graham, newt scamander, idek dexter morgan,,. all of these characters i relate to on a really deep level because i’m this kinda weird awkward/obsessive loner hybrid thing with a lot of baggage but really i just want to connect with people, even though i’m … the way i am. you don’t get female characters who are stoic but vulnerable, or legitimately uncomfortable with themselves or their past. and the fact of the matter is that those are incredibly human emotions that shouldn’t be gendered. i think a lot of us feel that we are defective in someway — that’s why the main principle of storytelling is to begin by establishing the underdog. because we see ourselves in them.
female characters just aren’t shown to have those qualities. which means they never feel truly real to me. maybe some women can relate to them, but i can’t connect at all. i have no idea why the deepest emotions of women in media are repressed so much, but it’s very likely due to the fact that its a male-dominated industry. maybe because these traits of fear/anger/loneliness/obsession/awkwardness are seen as too masculine or too complex? a result of it never having been done before? a hangover from the history of cinema? but it’s something i think about a lot. since i’m a film student it’s vitally important to me that i’m able to create female characters that can be played from a standpoint of absolute androgyny.
