Imagine John Watson as a child thinking both girls and boys are cute and finding he will have crushes on both and not understanding why or what it means
Imagine teenaged John Watson knowing he is bisexual and trying to get up the courage to come out to his parents and friends. But then one day Harry comes home and announces she’s gay. After seeing the way his parents react to Harry’s declaration, he decides to stay closeted.
Imagine John in Uni wanting to kiss guys he thinks are cute but unable to bring himself to it. He’s got all this experience with girls but everyone still thinks he’s straight and every time he’s alone with a guy he’s interested in, he just keeps hearing his dad’s voice in his head that he didn’t raise his kids to be queer.
Imagine John in the army meeting his commanding officer for the first time and knowing right away there is something there. He and Sholto maintain their professional relationship as long as they are able until one night after they lose a comrade. They drink a bit and everything John has wanted for so long finally unravels him and they take one another apart with their lips and tongues and hands and teeth. Sholto asks John to call him James in private.
Imagine John realizing he is in love for the first time in his life, but still in a position where he has to keep it and himself a secret. Imagine how much it breaks his heart when it ends.
Imagine John’s depression after being invalided home. How he sometimes thinks of just ending it. He’s all alone anyway. He doesn’t talk to his family or James. Nothing ever happens to him. And then he meets a man who makes him feel alive. But the man isn’t an option for a romance, so they become friends and flatmates instead.
Imagine John’s frustration with people thinking he and Sherlock are a couple and having to correct them because he would like nothing more than to be a couple with him. John knows he’s falling in love with Sherlock, it’s barreling toward him like a freight train and there’s nothing John can do to prevent it from happening. He dates women and feels nothing for them emotionally, but there’s no way he can come out now. Sherlock would know in an instant how he feels.
Imagine John’s heartbreak after Sherlock’s suicide. After John was working up the courage to tell him how he felt. And then his last words he said to Sherlock’s face were calling him a machine. That Sherlock never knew how deeply John loved him. And now he never will.
Imagine John finally trying to move on. He will never get over Sherlock totally, but he can’t spend the rest of his life wishing it had all gone differently. And Mary is nice. I mean she was there for him during his grief. The sex is fine. And he may never really fall in love with her, but he does love and care for her, so there’s no reason to keep hesitating.
Imagine John realizing it’s too late when he hears Sherlock’s speech. Imagine his confusion hearing Sherlock’s words like they are a confession. And knowing there’s nothing he can do about it now. Then he finds out Mary is pregnant and his regret is multiplied. Now he might lose his friend as well.
Imagine John miserable without Sherlock. Dreaming about him. Packing his clothes and cycling to work, hoping to hear from Sherlock. Sadly wanking in the shower. Grabbing his phone desperately fast anytime a text comes in. Second guessing what he heard at the wedding. Promising himself that if he can confirm Sherlock really feels those things for him, he will leave Mary, baby or no. He will finally do what it’s taken him his life to do and come out. And then the woman he married but never really loved almost kills the man he loves more than anything.
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