Posted on

As an asexual single person, it was encouraging to read your post about how marriage works for you, just to have that proof that it CAN.

mojoflower:

I’m so glad my post helped.  There are so many different combinations out there in the world that are valid life-partnerships that aren’t just the male/female, live-in, sex-based, child-rearing examples we’ve all grown up being told are the norm.  It’s hard to find them, and usually you have to break the mold all by yourself, which is both frightening and inhibiting.

The benefit of an actual demonstration that something different works for other people is incalculable.

And I just want to point out, again, that mine and my husband’s relationship is intimate:  we literally share our lives.  We talk about our days and our thoughts and feelings and the news and the kids and all the various things that entertain us.  I know how he thinks;  when he’s happy, when he’s stressed, what tickles him and what irritates him… and he knows all this for me as well.  We can rely on one another completely (which is very nice when someone gets sick or hurt!).  We love and trust and respect one another.  There is SO MUCH MORE to a partnership than sex.  There really is.

I hope it’s okay to add on here, if not let me know I’ll delete.

It’s been twenty years of marriage now. We’re partners, we support one another and that’s good enough.

As far as I know, neither I nor my hubby are asexual, but somehow along the line we’ve just sorta stopped having sex. We’ve never really talked about it, it just sort of naturally happened due to the nature of our schedules and, I suppose, getting older. Like you said there are plenty of ways to be intimate with being physical.

Posted on

Dear LGBT community members who don’t think asexuality should be allowed “in”:

agent-moonshoes:

I’m biologically female, and I’m not attracted to men. Society told me I was supposed to be, but it never happened, and I spent years of my life feeling broken and wrong. The other option presented to me when I was young was being attracted to women. I watched girls closely, trying to figure it out, but that wasn’t working for me, either. Wanting to be sexually close to another person just baffled me. I swore everyone else was making those feelings up. But they weren’t, and I got older, I realized that and it sunk in that I was just one big weirdo. I was in college when I learned the word for it, and had a breakdown of panic and relief. I can’t begin to put into words how it felt to discover I wasn’t broken–that I was a part of a group of people who felt in their hearts and souls the way I did.

Then came the process of coming out. My friends were a mixed bag, but friends you can pick and choose from if they aren’t supportive.The vast majority of my friends were cool about it, even if they didn’t quite understand. There were assholes, and one suggested “showing me” I was wrong (creepy creepy creepy), but mostly my friends were neutral to positive.

After some select friends, I came out to my family.

My parents told I was wrong.

It was like being run over by a truck. To this day, I can’t talk about my asexuality around those I love most. It caused one of the only serious arguments I’ve ever had with my parents (I love them and they’re wonderful about 99.9% of the things in my life, but this is one place they weren’t). I was told I just had to find the “right person”, and I would change. That I was too young to understand my feelings (I was in my 20s) towards boys. That I shouldn’t put labels on myself that would make men not want to date me. Because god forbid men not find me attractive! Because clearly, from my conversation with them, what I wanted most of all was to find a man who wanted to get in my pants! Yeah!

Yeah.

It’s not really their fault. We live in a world where happiness is defined as falling in love, getting
married, etc. Not wanting another person in your life as your “other
half” is an alien concept. Media is flooded with messages of heterosexual normalcy, and now in very small pockets (hopefully growing, because it should! <3), a homosexual option for partnered normalcy. It’s shoved in our faces CONSTANTLY. Our society and government
have even set things up to benefit couples financially.

Which is fun now that I’m in my 30s and trying to save up for a future family, all by myself. And thankfully, even though they still avoid the word, over a decade later my parents do seem on board with the fact that I’m not pursuing relationships and are supportive of my life choices to save for a family by myself.

Listen. I am by no means saying that I am oppressed as a person the way people attracted to same-gendered people are. I’m not saying I’m oppressed the way the trans community is. I’m not saying any of that. But I AM dealing with a world where who I am is just not “okay”. Where who I am is wrong, where who I am needs to be fixed. Or, in many cases (most cases), where who I am DOES NOT EXIST. I don’t belong in the heterosexual world. I’m an outsider to it. But I’m also an outsider to any world that involves sex and attraction. And as a youth, I had NO WORD to use to describe who I was!

So when asexuals advocate for asexual inclusion in the LGBT community, it’s not because we want to weirdly steal thunder from anyone in your community, or because we want false pity for oppression we haven’t faced the way you have. It’s because we don’t want others to have to grow up the way we did.

We don’t want the world to continue not knowing about our existence. We want asexuality recognized publicly–both so asexuals can learn about themselves in an honest way, and so non-aces see us as legitimate humans. The LGBT world seemed like the natural place for us to go to to ask for inclusion. The place where others might understand what it’s like to grow up in a heterosexual world, as someone who is not. It’s who I first turned to when I discovered the word for myself, only to find immediate pain, rejection, and even mockery. I was horrified.

But I didn’t give up. I couldn’t give up. In 2005, I was in college and gave a talk at my university’s LGBT club. They had never heard of asexuality before, despite being part of a huge liberal university. It was the scariest thing I’d ever done in my life. I had to introduce the concept, and represent the entire community. And then answer a barrage of questions. Personal, personal questions, about my body, my life experiences, everything. And at the end, there was a long period silence. Until one brave person said:

“Wow. You have gone through the same things as us. You said you had some pamphlets about it? Can we put them in our office? People need to know about this. I can’t imagine growing up not knowing about homosexuality. As scary as it was for me, at least I had a word for it.”

I broke down crying and gave them all the pamphlets I had ordered. Many of them started crying, too. We became a blubbering mess in that meeting room. In that moment, I thought I had found a community who understood after all.

Did I? I suppose that’s up to you. But please, take some of this into consideration before you say that asexuals shouldn’t have a letter in your acronym, or should make their “own, separate” community. We’re unknown and invisible in so many ways, but nevertheless hurting in ways I think many of you can sympathize with and understand. It’s not that we’re attracted to the “wrong” sex or gender. It’s that we’re not attracted to the “right” one. And holy crap, the world just isn’t super friendly or understanding to people like that. Like us.

Thank you.

Posted on

thessalian:

beekeepercain:

tenadp:

wotseit:

s/o to aces with libido

s/o to aces with kinks

s/o to aces with fantasies

s/o to aces who experience sensual attraction

s/o to aces who like to be sensually intimate with their partners

s/o to aces who like to be sexually intimate with their partners

s/o to aces who aren’t “perfect” asexuals, you are still valid and you are all ace af

I am really not trying to be rude, I just want to understand!! If you enjoy being sexually intimate with a partner, how are you asexual? Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I’m just interested to know!

There are other reasons than specifically wanting to have sex for the sake of having sex. For example, some asexuals want to please their non-asexual partners, and it isn’t necessarily uncomfortable for them, they just don’t specifically desire that particular action. Like, asexuals can still dig the feeling of sexual stimulation, since it is meant to be pleasurable.

It’s like, if there’s cake on the table, but you don’t particularly want cake at that time, or you don’t really care for cake, you can still choose to eat it because even if cake isn’t your favourite or you’re quite full already, it still tastes fine, and your best friend is eating some with you. 

Alternatively, it’s possible to sort of “trade favours”; instead of sexually pleasing their asexual partner who is disinterested in receiving sexually, the non-asexual party might cuddle, kiss and otherwise be physically affectionate with their partner while making love. This’d still count as sexual intimacy, even though only one person in the act is – hopefully – orgasming.

Some asexuals see sex as a way to bond with their partners. Again, the act isn’t specifically interesting to them, but it works as a means to an end – through it, they get to feel closer to their partner.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction, the “I want to bang that” trigger that most people have in response to potential sexual partners. Not the absence of sexual activity itself, which would be celibacy – the choice to not engage in sex, the act. An asexual can have sex and not feel that specific type of attraction to their partner, as attraction is passive and not based in active choice. It doesn’t mean that that partner is disgusting to them, either; they may well be aesthetically attractive to the asexual person (the same way you can appreciate a beautiful statue or a painting without becoming sexually aroused by viewing it) and the asexual person may well desire physical intimacy with them, such as hugging, kissing, cuddling and holding hands. Since not all asexuals are inherently repulsed by sex but merely disinterested in it by default, turning that desire for general closeness into sexual activity where it provides fulfillment of some form to both parties isn’t necessarily paradoxical.

Someone once brought up a fairly good point regarding this subject; non-asexual people also sometimes hook up and have sex with people that aren’t specifically attractive to them. It can still be perfectly consensual and satisfy the needs of both parties, despite the fact that the base attraction wasn’t there. For example, a person who just wants to have sex with someone might go along with a partner they would not otherwise choose, but who simply happens to be available and ready to do the deed with them. Alternatively, a woman might seek to have a baby, and have sex with a partner solely for that purpose, and whether the partner chosen is sexually attractive to them or not isn’t a big factor in the choice. (Plenty of asexual women choose to have sex to have children.) There are multiple reasons to have sex even when you’re not sexually attracted. Specifically for asexuals, the factor of having a non-asexual partner is usually a big motivator to have sex, and other reasons like the ones I explored above may additionally pop up to support that decision.

Finally, some asexuals just really dig orgasms. Most people do. We just don’t have that special someone we wish was delivering them to us, and largely prefer to take care of our own. But when you are in a relationship and that kind of comes as a package deal, some asexuals don’t feel like it’s a bad trade, or at least aren’t violently opposed to the idea. I think most asexuals who do choose to have sex are indifferent to it – it’s not their favourite thing in the world, but it takes care of business.

Best explanation EVER.

Posted on

theangelshavetheblog:

There are many people on this website who have the mistaken belief that if you are not lesbian or gay, then you are straight. For a group that preaches about tolerance of their own sexuality, they don’t exactly practice what they preach. Specifically, lately, they have attempted to make the claim that asexual = straight.

That sort of mindset is at best dismissive, and at worst damaging to those of us who have struggled or are still struggling to come to terms with their own sexual orientation.

This post is not for them. They have made up their minds and nothing you or I say will change it. I’m not even looking to know why they think it. They haven’t been able to explain it in a way that makes sense and I’m not going to bother with them anymore because, quite frankly, they’re not worth it. I am, however, going to address three of the points I think they were trying to make.

This post is for you: the asexual, and anyone else who feels like the LGBTQA+ (the aforementioned elitists will try to call it just LGBT) is unaccepting of them because they don’t fall into some neat little category. And while I primarily focus on asexuals and sexual orientation (as opposed to romantic orientation), many of these points apply equally to both.

I want to say this right now. I am asexual and possibly aromantic. And I am damn proud of this. If you are too, or you aren’t sure and you want to talk to someone about it, please feel free to message me. You matter and your orientation is valid.

Because of how long this is, I’m putting it under a read more.

Keep reading

Posted on

dozmuffinxc:

finding-flight:

Okay, but imagine a medieval adventure fantasy where asexuals sell their services to parties who have to travel past sirens/incubi/succubi in order to fulfill their quests.

Imagine young witches and warlocks going through a final wizardry test where they have to square off against every magical creature they’ve ever learned about, and everyone is really confused as to how that one team just strolled past the sirens/incubi/succubi, and also as to why afterwards they high-fived, said “Aced it!” and then laughed for ten minutes straight.

Imagine a villain dousing a hero with a love potion and then unshackling her, expecting mindless devotion, only to have her then stab him and say “I’m aromantic, actually.”

Imagine an incubus carefully choosing a target and ending up on her couch with a tub of ice cream as she assures him that he is really good at his job and he can’t help it that he happened to pick an ace target.

Imagine an ace sailor who has to tie up his companions in the hold and sail the ship by himself whenever they encounter mermaids, and since it’s just him it’s really slow going, and he spends the entire time griping about allosexuals to the mermaids, who in turn gripe about how sick they are of having to target sailors before the sailors target them.

Imagine a love god trying to set up a pair of aro ace soulmates and putting them in increasingly romantic and/or risque situations, only to pull his hair out in frustration as they ignore or fix every situation and just become better and better friends.

Just like, fantasy asexuals, y’all.

I have a story in mind because of this post, guys. I adore this. Ace power!

Posted on

intj-confessions:

auditorycheesecakes:

onyxjuniper:

frecklesandsky:

I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway.
So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have.
And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
Being different doesnt mean you’re broken.
If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not.
Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one).
You are not broken, and it will be okay.

This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there

#it’s really reassuring to hear from the partner #the one who’s not ace #but is totally cool with having no sex #loves her husband anyway #is in a stable and happy relationship #it’s such a relief when you discover that asexuality is a thing #that you’re okay #but then you start to wonder if it means your only chance at not ending up alone is finding someone else who’s also ace #but no #turns out it’s not #that’s really good to hear #so #thanks #so ace #so space

I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY

I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring

The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.

Posted on

thebloggerbloggerfun:

An asexual/aromantic hunter in Supernatural that specializes in hunting Sirens based on their immunity to the monster’s charms.

An asexual character in Lie to Me that stumps the main characters because they give absolutely no signs of sexual attraction to anyone and uses that to their advantage.

An asexual character on trial in Law and Order that uses their sexuality as a defense and alibi.

An asexual/aromantic main character in How to Get Away with Murder that is the only student in the entire group to actually get any work done and solves shit like crazy.

An asexual character in Sherlock is Sherlock. That’s it.

An asexual/aromantic character in Harry Potter that is slipped amortentia and keeps going about the rest of their day like nothing happened, much to the disappointment of some douchebag.

An asexual newly-bitten werewolf in Teen Wolf that is the only one in the pack that doesn’t accidentally wolf-out around people they’re attracted to. The rest of the pack grills them on how the hell they stay so in control.

An asexual/aromantic character in The Walking Dead that had no significant other during the apocalypse and never will but watch as they tear the world apart to find their completely platonic best friend.

A powerful asexual/aromantic character in Game of Thrones that never marries for gain but can never be seduced and gains more and more power through non sexual/romantic schemes and alliances.

A homoromantic asexual character in Orange is the New Black and her relationship with an allosexual lesbian and how they define their boundaries and explore their relationship.

An asexual/aromantic Avatar that chooses to focus on friendships and honing their skills for the rest of their life and ends up becoming the most powerful Avatar the world has ever seen.

Asexual/aromantic characters are not boring.