I’ve been trying all week to articulate this … awful feeling in my heart and in my head.
I’m a white cis-gendered woman, and I’m married to a white, cis-gendered man. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for most of my life, finally realizing, at the not so tender age of 39, that I am bi. My first marriage (ten and a half years), was to a woman. My romantic history is pretty much 50/50, and it took me a long time to realize that I am neither one (heterosexual) nor the other (lesbian), but somewhere fluidly in-between.
I pass. I pass in a variety of ways every day. I am a child of privilege, I know which fork to use, how to sit properly, how to exit a car demurely while wearing a skirt and I know that my back shouldn’t touch the back of my chair and that my knees should always be together (ankles crossing is permissible, leg over knee is not). I was raised in a cloud of classical music and manners, I know my Shakespeare from my Kafka, I’ve taken Latin, and attended sailing camp. I am well bred. I pass.
A couple of weeks ago, some kids around the corner from us set up a lemonade and bracelet stand (super adorable). They pretty much chased us down when we went to our car to ask if we would buy one or the other. I picked the most purple bracelet they had (I’m pretty sure it is made out of colored rubber bands and I love it). I noticed only later that it is the colors of the bi-flag with a band of rainbow at the end. I loved the accident of that.
A week or so ago we were sitting at our local bar when one of the guy we regularly talk to (straight, white, a former army ranger) mentioned that if he won the lottery he would buy up all the tickets to a country singer’s concert, sit in the front row, and call him a fag. I was so surprised I didn’t say anything. My husband was the one who spoke up, who said that is not okay. Other guys chimed in, trying to explain that it wasn’t a shitty thing to do, that calling someone a fag had nothing to do with hating gay people. The discussion turned towards totally not hating gay people, but being very bothered when they are “too gay.“ This is an old argument I’ve heard over and over again. Your gayness is fine as long as you aren’t "too gay." We left shortly after that. I haven’t felt comfortable around those guys since then. I haven’t felt comfortable around myself. My husband spoke up. I supported him but I’m not the one that really argued the point.
Orlando happened. I haven’t slept well since then. That Sunday we bought our tickets for a trip to New York in the fall. My husband mentioned that it would be cool to walk down the street in New York, holding hands. My first, automatic, response was that we can hold hands anywhere.
At work it is obvious who is straight and who is not. The not straight, all of us, keep checking the news, checking updates on Orlando, passing around articles about what happened. We know why it matters deeply that this happened at a gay club. We know our history. The rest of the people at work, they don’t. It is still a hidden history. They know about pride month, but they don’t know about Stonewall. They know and care that lives have been lost, but they don’t understand the nuances. They don’t understand how this is obviously a fucking a hate crime. It is still a hidden history. Co-workers are somewhat surprised that this matters so much to me.
I pass. And right now that makes me feel like a fucking fraud.
I feel this, very much. I’m 37 and realizing that I’m at least a little bi. Probably, like when Mara Wilson came out, a 2, if we’re using Kinsey.
I’ve also been married to a man for 18 years (cis white woman).
I never knew liking girls was an option, growing up. I don’t have any extensive experience with girls beyond a kiss here or there. I got married young and I’ve only ever really had relationships with guys.
But I know that I’m attracted to some girls, at least on some level.
And yet, while I would be the first person to tell someone else that their relationship doesn’t invalidate their bisexuality, I have a hard time with it myself. I suppose I feel like if i’ve got no practical experience it doesn’t really count, which i realize intellectually is false, but I have a hard time accepting in myself.
I didn’t mean to hijack your post, it’s just something that’s been on my mind, especially since Saturday. I pass too, and I don’t feel like I have the right to count myself as part of the community.
shout out to all my bi girls who thought they were straight for so long and are only now coming to terms with their sexuality and figuring themselves out. you are all so strong and wonderful and i love you.
Happy Pride Month 2016! What better way to kick things off than with a little awareness and breaking of stereotypes? Let’s dig in.
(NOTE: When we say ‘attracted’ throughout this post, the ‘romantically and/or sexually’ is always implied, acknowledging that these are two separate concepts, and a person’s orientation does not have to be the same for both)
A quick intro to the concept of sex vs. gender can be found here and here.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE BI? A bi person has the capacity for romantic and/or sexual attraction to more than one gender. This is sometimes worded as ‘same and other genders’. Bi is a non-monosexual/romantic orientation, and is sometimes considered to be an umbrella term for non-mono identities. The Bisexual Resource Center “uses bisexual as an umbrella term for people who recognize and honor their potential for sexual and emotional attraction to more than one gender (pansexual, fluid, omnisexual, queer, and all other free-identifiers). We celebrate and affirm the diversity of identity and expression regardless of labels.” (x)
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BI AND PAN? There are many definitions of ‘bi’ and ‘pan’ out there, and individually-identifying people may choose to use different definitions. Broadly, however, the difference is generally agreed to be: — Bi people are attracted to more than one gender — Pan people are attracted to many or all genders This is understandably confusing, since by these definitions ‘pan’ would be a form of bisexuality/romanticism. Each person has final say on how they choose to identify, though. ‘Bi’ is not a better or worse term than any other non-mono label. There is no inherent value judgment in identifying with any particular term. They are all valid!
WHY MIGHT A PERSON IDENTIFY AS BI INSTEAD OF PAN, OR VICE VERSA? A person may choose to identify as bi if they are attracted to more than one gender, but not necessarily all genders. For instance, someone might be attracted to feminine-presenting and non-binary folks, but not men. Someone who identifies as pan may wish to place particular emphasis on their openness to all people regardless of gender.
DOES ‘BI’ REINFORCE THE GENDER BINARY? IS IT TRANSPHOBIC? No, ‘Bi’ does not reinforce the gender binary because the ‘bi’ refers to ‘same and other genders’, not ‘men and women’. Bi is not an inherently transphobic term, and identifying as bisexual does not make one transphobic any more than identifying as homosexual or heterosexual does. Being bi does not automatically mean that a person is not attracted to trans or nonbinary folks. Being bi also does not imply that one is cisgender.
WHY USE THE TERM BISEXUAL IF THERE’S SO MUCH MISUNDERSTANDING? Bisexual is a historical term, a term reclaimed from the medical community, and one with connections to early non-mono rights movements. (x) Many people feel tied to the political history of the term and wish to be linked to previous generations of people who have identified that way. Others simply fit the definition of bi better than pan: they are attracted to two or more genders, but not necessarily all genders.
WHAT IS BIPHOBIA? BI ERASURE? While bi/pan folks can certainly experience homophobia, they also experience hatred, discrimination, and fear that originates specifically from being non-monosexual/romantic. This includes attitudes such as refusing to date bi/pan folks because they’ve been touched by other genders, or out of fear that they will leave the relationship for someone of another gender. This discrimination can come from both inside and outside the queer community. Some queer spaces are not welcoming to bi/pan people, or are even actively antagonistic toward them. Bi erasure is a huge part of biphobia, wherein the experiences and very existence of bi/pan people are denied. For more information, read Robyn Ochs’ article on biphobia.
WHAT ABOUT BI HEALTH? Bi and pan people face significant health risks compared to lesbians, gays, and heterosexuals. In addition to higher instances of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders:
45% of bisexual women have considered or attempted suicide, followed by bisexual men (35%), lesbians (30%), gay men (25%), and much lower rates for heterosexual women and men.
Bisexual women are twice as likely to have an eating disorder than lesbians.
Bisexual women report the highest rates of alcohol use, heavy drinking, and alcohol-related problems when compared to heterosexual and lesbian women.
Bisexual men and women report the highest rates of smoking of all orientations. (x)
WHAT ARE THE HARMFUL STEREOTYPES OR MISUNDERSTANDINGS THAT AFFECT BI/PAN FOLKS?
We’re always promiscuous or greedy, because we want it all
We can’t commit, because we’re always missing what we don’t have
We’re actually just gay/straight and in denial, or identifying as bi/pan is a transition to coming out as gay or lesbian.
We’re just confused, or can’t decide; we’re flaky
We’re only doing it for the attention
It was only a phase, often said after a bi/pan person enters a committed monogamous relationship (bi erasure)
We’re transphobic because we’re only attracted to men and women who conform to the gender binary
We’re just “drunk straight girls/boys”
We don’t experience homophobia or discrimination
We aren’t trustworthy
We’re not “queer enough” or have to “prove our queerness” through a certain amount of experience.
We’re oversexualized, addicted to sex, driven by sex.
We’re equally attracted to all the genders we feel attraction to, or our levels of attraction to various genders is static over time.
If you are a writer interested in writing bi/pan characters, please read theseguides and consult with a bi/pan beta reader.
FURTHER READING
The writings of bidyke (Shiri Eisner), author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution:
Why I Identify as Bisexual and not Pansexual — provides a good overview of the difference between the terms, the biphobia that occasionally results, and the reclaiming of the term bisexual.
Disclosure: Because we all have our own inherent biases, we feel it’s important to disclose that the author of this article (librarylock) is genderqueer and bisexual.
When you mix blue and red it makes purple.
Purple isn’t referred to as half blue and half red,
Purple is it’s own color in and of itself.
And sometimes it turns out more red or more blue, but it is still referred to as purple.
Bisexuality isn’t half gay and half straight.
