Could you imagine being Voldemort’s brother if you weren’t at all interested in his genocide, and have to spend all of your time proving to everyone else that you don’t support what he’s doing?
Even worse, imagine being his identical twin. So you not only have to prove that you’re not like him, but also that you’re literally not him.
I’m just picturing this kind of lame, not super interesting guy. His name is something pedestrian, similar to Tom. Something like Bob. Bob Riddle. He was probably a Hufflepuff. He’s got some low-level job, like as a Welcome Wizard at St. Mungo’s. His love life is non-existent, because the only people who want to date someone who looks exactly like Voldemort are the kind of people who marry convicted serial killers.
But Bob’s unexciting life is constantly made exciting by people throwing stuff at him, cursing at him, literally cursing him, and/or arresting him on a daily basis.
The Daily Prophet constantly speculates about whether or not he actually does support Voldemort, and the Quibbler says he doesn’t exist at all, that Bob is actually just Voldemort trying to earn minimum wage so as to sponsor his genocide. Media headlines dub him “Lord Voldeborb.” So Bob has a series of memoirs published to prove how dissimilar he is to his brother.
And eventually having all these books written about him convinces him that he can write. So he writes an autobiography about how boring his life is.
This is beautiful
xD
SOMEONE WRITE THIS PLEASE ASHDHDSHF IM THRISTY
Can his name be Tim instead? I feel like Tim would be a more complementary name since parents love giving twins names that sound alike.
Okay, but give me a Hermione Granger who cannot cook for the life of her. She’s done research, she’s taken classes, she’s tried everything and goddamit why can’t she make this work?!
Give me a Ron Weasley who watched his mother cook for years and somehow inherited her uncanny ability to just throw things in a pot and make it taste amazing. Give me a Ron Weasley who tries to teach his wife to cook because she asks him to and rubs her shoulders and fixes the light fixtures when she fails again. Give me a Ron Weasley who wears a “Kiss the cook” apron and makes all the meals for the family. Give me a Ron Weasley who fondly tells Hermione “for Merlin’s sake, you’re the bloody minister of magic, babe, you don’t have to be good at everything.” Give me a Ron Weasley who adores his wife and loves working part-time at the shop with Fred and George (there was a rumour going around that Fred died- this is poppycock. Please ignore it) and decides he loves being a househusband and defying gender roles but in a quieter way than his hurricane of a wife, who’s amazing and in-your-face and gods, he loves her. Give me a Ron who decides that he’s not so fond of the fame and glory that he gained in the war as he thought he would be, and who finally understands why Harry hated it so much in school. Give me a Ronald Weasley who learns to do laundry and mend clothes and keep house and makes lunch for his kids before they go off to muggle primary school and his wife before she goes to work and decides that being his family’s number one favourite person is more than enough. Give me a Ron who has a secret fondness for daytime soap operas when everyone’s out of the house and he’s not at the shop. Give me a Ron who is happy and healthy and realises that he’s so much more than just the sixth child or the leftover, that he’s loved, that he’s enough.
I think the most beautiful part of this is that Ron spent so much of his life being embarrassed by his mum, and finally realizing she’s been the true role model all along.
okay but neville longbottom as head of gryffindor house and there’s all these stories of him going head to head with an army of werewolves, being tortured by death eaters and killing Voldemort’s snake with godric gryffindor’s actual sword but when the students see him he’s like cradling a pot plant and crying cause he saw someone lost their pet on the noticeboard and they’re like “that guy? are you sure it’s that guy”
BONUS: one of the older student’s get dared to go up and ask him if it’s true and neville just makes direct eye-contact and says “voldemort was a punk bitch” and continues knitting a lil baby sweater for a mandrake
my problem with the ‘harry becomes lord of 2/¾/5 ancient noble houses’ trope is so unbelievably petty because its that fic writers don’t take it to the potential extreme. like, okay, you wanna make harry the bossest of bitches i get that, i understand, i have that urge too from time to time, but c’mon, be a little more creative about it please
so how about a fic where harry goes to gringotts after the fighting is all over to try to make peace with the goblin nation because this boy does not need more problems and after much hostility and some groveling and promises of future payments for damages caused a plucky goblin lass comes and shuffles harry into her tiny cube office to discuss the nature of his financial situation
(this is a grave insult among goblins. getting handled by a female, first of all, because they are supposedly less capable bankers, hello misogyny among other species, and because they consider anyone who needs help with his money to be lower than cave scum. harry doesn’t know about his. and if he did, he wouldn’t care because he does, desperately, need help)
and plucky goblin lass (who we will call PGL for short) brings out this MASSIVE tome of parchment and slams it down on her desk. a cloud of dust rises. harry sneezes and gets a terrible feeling. some of the parchment is mildewing. the stack is taller than his hand is wide. this can only end badly
PGL tells him that he’ll need to read the entire book to fully comprehend the new scope of his property and harry kind of weakly says “what??”
and it turns out that heyo, when the death eaters swore to follow voldemort with all their lives and souls and magic in their little racist hearts they actually swore a modified liege lord oath which also has the coincidental side effect of ceding all titles (and property connected to said titles) held to the lord in question too. haha how funny who knew
and that’s an ongoing thing. so voldemort was the de facto head of two dozen magical houses at the beginning of the war and he just picked up more as he gained more followers and he probably could have just voted himself and his crew into every position of the government and run the country like that if he cared to do it but voldemort was not about dat political life. he wanted change and he wanted it now. he wanted to MAKE AMERICA MAGICAL BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN. so he started a civil war and just never informed his loyal death eaters of that little fact because they didn’t need to know.
and you might think that gringotts vaults are tied into bloodlines but they’re really not. the malfoy family vault belongs to whoever is the current head of the malfoy family. normally, that’s a malfoy and his malfoy spawn becomes the next head and so it passes through the family, accumulating inherited wealth. it was a working system until voldemort got involved and exploited the ever-living hell out of it.
now this all becomes harry’s problem because it turns out that Right of Conquest is an actual thing. what was voldemort’s is now his and voldemort has has the time to accumulate A Metric Fuck Ton of stuff.
also connected to titles are votes in the wizengamot. and whoo boy, this is where harry’s problem becomes really really really problematic. because the noble families squabble over those votes like children, hoarding them and passing them down, occasionally trading them for advantageous marriages and such, but mostly jealously guarding them like the politcal gold they are. it’s such a bitterly tight-fisted market that any one family has ~maybe~ three or four votes.
and now harry bloody potter has a hundred of the things and a completely unintentional stranglehold on the government. whoops
and then hermione would shotput harry straight into the
wizengamot
against his protests and things would become so hilarious i just
some jerkass attempts to increase his own salary for doing basically nothing
“how about no,” harry and his hundred votes say.
somebody attempts to tighten restrictions on where magical creatures like vampires and werewolves can work
“how about no.” harry crosses his arms. “actually, how about we repeal those bullshit laws already in place that make it almost impossible for werewolves to get a job right now, hmmmm? and how about we put something in place to catch abusive owners of house elves? and make sure they get paid? and vacation days? and healthcare? actually how about we get healthcare for EVERYBODY HOW ABOUT T H A T?”
ten generations of purebloods cry out in horror. look upon him ye mighty and despair.
the years after voldemort’s defeat don’t go down in history as The Golden Era. in fact, thanks to harry bloody potter (and some incessant nudging by hermione granger), they go down as The Decade of Frankly Astonishing Strides Toward Equality *cough* enforced by a semi-plutocracy.
(all thanks to a third tier plot never really explored by a would-be dictator YOU’RE ALL WELCOME)
Omg this is beautiful.
Harry as an accidental Lord Vetinari, oh my god.
Harry dealing with that all these pureblood families outright hate him. They were loyal to the Dark Lord, loyal to blood supremacy, loyal to their own enrichment and empowerment via the casting down of others, and now here’s Harry Potter, who opposes all of these things, who killed the Dark Lord and vanquished their dreams: their new Lord and Master.
And they can’t do anything about it because not only is it a binding magical contract but it’s their tradition, their law, their way of doing things, and they can’t attack Harry without shattering their own foundations in the process; they can’t even really convey their dislike of Harry because it would be disloyal to their own House.
So, all these pureblood wizards from old families who both hate Harry Potter and everything he stands for but also as a point of honor are perversely proud of him. He’s a wizard; he’s a half-blood, but he’s also the scion of a House of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, and he’s a powerful and talented wizard who vanquished the greatest Dark Lord history has ever seen. And he’s the Head of a dozen great and ancient wizarding Houses, he’s their Head of House so to speak, and they tie themselves in knots trying to figure out how to feel about him.
And the ones who don’t have a noble House, but only have their votes in the Wizengamot that Harry Potter owns, and you just don’t throw tradition out and start casting votes on your own inclination, well, they aren’t honor-bound and pride-bound to claim and embrace him, but they make their social standing from copying the greater Houses, and when their betters are quietly and gracefully saying “he’s a chaos-minded tyrant, but he’s our chaos-minded tyrant,” well, they buck up and agree.
Harry Potter, unlike Voldemort, isn’t lashing out at random or threatening to kill their children, so it’s sort of an improvement in many ways, even as they want to scream and throw things over all his reforms.
And after all, the old Houses value power. And Harry, above all, has power.
He goes down in pure-blood history as the Tyrant. The most powerful Lord their family lines have ever known. The man who reshaped their world. Elderly wizards tell their great-grandchildren long after his death that “I knew the Tyrant.” “I beheld him when my father took me to the Wizengamot, and he spoke to me.” “When I went to Hogwarts, he gave a guest lecture.” This far removed, at the end of their lives, the details of his rule are forgotten, the overturnings of tradition lost to history, and he is remembered with pride, even with adoration.
Their Tyrant. Their Lord. Harry Potter, the Greatest Wizard that Ever Lived.
(There are pictures of Harry at Hogwarts, at the Ministry, at St. Mungo’s, outside the Auror Office and in front of the Minister’s Office and in the entrance hall to the Wizengamot and in both the entrance hall and the Headmaster’s office at Hogwarts, and in every House he ruled. He wears stately robes and an impressive hat, gold jewelry, a beard (dark in some pictures, silver-shot in others, pure snowy white in still more, for he lived to be an old man himself, older than Dumbledore, older than Griselda Marchbanks, who lived to dance at his wedding), his glasses accentuating his brilliant green eyes, his scar more prominent in the pictures than it ever had been in life, surrounded with such trappings as the Sword of Gryffindor and the Elder Wand and a skull that purports to be that of Lord Voldemort.
Also at Hogwarts, in a back corridor next to a set of of dancing trolls and an overzealously combative knight, is a portrait commissioned by the executor of Harry Potter’s estate, in response to directions left in his will. This portrait depicts an eleven-year-old boy in brand-new wizard’s robes, with broken glasses and untidy hair that happens to cover his forehead. The portraits of his older selves go wrapped in the lofty dignity of the position he attained later in life; this child, filled with the untarnished wonder of the magical world, goes freely among the portraits with an anonymity Harry Potter never found in life, and loves it.)
GIVE ME THESE BOOKS.
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Hagrid, what are you doing here? Where’s — James — and Lily?
Peter. Wah! Harry? I can take him. I’m his godfather! Dumbledore says he goes to Lily’s sister. Man, seriously? FUCK Dumbledore!
I’m his legal guardian. I can’t. He needs me! I can’t lose him, I’m all he has. I’m so sorry… Hagrid, give me Harry. Please don’t make me. Sirius, no! Stupefy.
Shit. Hey kid. Let’s go. Dear Remus, First: I apologize. Second: I kidnapped Harry. HELP. Don’t tell the order. -Padfoot
Sensibly Named Child: Dad, what if the hat puts me in Slytherin?
Neville: Then it means you really are a Slytherin. Do you have any idea how hard I begged to be a Hufflepuff? How hard I argued with the hat against Gryffindor? And you know what, it turns out the hat was right and I pulled the sword out of the hat and killed the snake. It’s a magical hat and you’re an eleven year old who thinks Axe works to attract girls. You know nothing, listen to the hat.
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Gryffindor online description: brave, noble, chivalrous, a little arrogant and reckless at times, but an all around hero
Gryffindor actual description: “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?” *sees spider and screams*
Ravenclaw online description: witty, intelligent, tends to be eccentric, very smart and pretty nerdy,
Ravenclaw actual description: hasn’t left the house in six days, is down to one square of toilet paper but doesn’t notice because they’re so deep into the Internet
Slytherin online description: cunning, clever, resourceful, can be ruthless and tends to be a villain on the worst days, but loyal to those they love
Slytherin actual description: gets hit in the head with a dodgeball in p.e. because they were busy thinking of ways to overthrow the government
Hufflepuff online description: kind, sweet, tends to be soft spoken, can be a pushover, loyal, hardworking, overly nice sometimes
Hufflepuff actual description: smiles a lot thinks about food 24/7 until someone disses their friend, then all hell breaks loose
jkr doesnt understand anything about america if she thinks the northern and southern states will share the same wizarding school lollll. like the south would have formed its own school anyways after, if not before or during the civil war?
hell east coast and west coast magic has got to be different (european settlers on the east, mexican/hispanic in the whole new mexico, arizona, cali area).
not to mention historically black wizarding schools would have absolutely been a thing bc african magic survived thru slavery hello??? not to mention under slavery and jim crow laws i highly doubt black children would have been allowed to study with white students. you could even make the assumption that white slavers forbade them for using their magic at all (african magic = dark magic and all that Fun Racism)
underdeveloped and struggling to thrive native american reservation schools of magic in the dakotas?
texas has to have its own school on its own school. like its just a given fact. TEXAS WIZARDING SCHOOL QUDDITCH (like texas high school football #texasforever)
and obviously you have the elitist new england schools which everyone assumes is the pinnacle of american magic education lol
#the Texas school would be really aggressive about teaching the unforgivable curses #the ministry of America exists within the pentagon because some founding father decided magic was too much power to go unchecked #there’s a history of indigenous tribal and ancestral magic being taught without books inside people’s homes #because of the assimilation schools #because magical colonization is a thing #Newer Magic Schools with organic robes #all-natural bezoars #GMO-free wolfsbane #around the 1900s a group of purist European wizards take to magically bleaching everything they own and wear #this ‘white purity’ group actively funds assimilation magic schools and condemn and hex the students being assimilated #these white purists inspire a muggle counterpart whose members wear white robes #at some point someone loses track of wizard offspring and children begin to sort it out for themselves by meeting with others #the internet makes this easier as long as you don’t use magic near your device #cults form and disband #wizard schools are also incredibly expensive and many wizard parents push their pre-adolescent children to apply to European schools #more often people who are not white will send their children to an ancestral school or instructor to learn their heritage #often families will leave America to achieve this specific magical education #it’s generally understood by everyone not in America that the spell work is weak and to wrapped up in politics to teach much #Texas gets a lot of flak for The Right To Curse (re: second amendment) #anyway(via @dustafterreign)
jkr doesnt understand anything about america if she thinks the northern and southern states will share the same wizarding school lollll. like the south would have formed its own school anyways after, if not before or during the civil war?
hell east coast and west coast magic has got to be different (european settlers on the east, mexican/hispanic in the whole new mexico, arizona, cali area).
not to mention historically black wizarding schools would have absolutely been a thing bc african magic survived thru slavery hello??? not to mention under slavery and jim crow laws i highly doubt black children would have been allowed to study with white students. you could even make the assumption that white slavers forbade them for using their magic at all (african magic = dark magic and all that Fun Racism)
underdeveloped and struggling to thrive native american reservation schools of magic in the dakotas?
texas has to have its own school on its own school. like its just a given fact. TEXAS WIZARDING SCHOOL QUDDITCH (like texas high school football #texasforever)
and obviously you have the elitist new england schools which everyone assumes is the pinnacle of american magic education lol
