Tag: harry potter

sadfishkid:

mxlfoydraco:

a concept: Harry Potter with his mother’s hair and father’s eyes instead of vice versa.
Harry with fiery dark red hair and soft hazel eyes please and thank you

i imagine this is how harry and draco’s first meeting would have gone then haha

lotstradamus:

• this has been said before, multiple times, by people who are a lot funnier than me, but I think it’s worth noting for posterity: Dudley’s shitty little mates all call him “Big D”. hmm. HMMMMM. 
• Harry’s reaction to Sirius telling him not to do anything rash is PURE GOLD. he’s literally like “um?? this guy went to prison for a decade, broke out, tried to murder someone, nicked a hippogriff and went on the lam and HE is telling ME noT TO dO AnYTHinG RAsH???” it’s a bit like when he told Harry not to use Hedwig because she’s too conspicuous after sending him letters by fucking toucan. Sirius “do as I say not as I do” Black or what? 
• according to Sirius, all the pureblood families are interrelated. THE POSSIBILITIES HERE ARE ENDLESS. it’s no secret that Sirius and Draco being related is my favourite thing in the world, and I know recently there’s been an uptick in people who write Luna and Draco as related, which is very cute, but I’m not sure they’re really CASHING IN ON THE COMEDY. for instance, picture this: ERNIE AND DRACO, COUSINS. what if their hair is the same shade of blond? maybe they share a nose. they definitely both have a tendency for theatrics. please imagine two chubby, pink toddlers with blond hair. they are both wearing posh nappies with their initials embroidered on them. one of them is giving the other a Chinese burn. I am so happy. 
• I love the aside about how they all sit and try to open Slytherin’s locket while they’re cleaning out Grimmauld Place. can you fucking imagine if it’d opened? all of them hanging around in trackies with rubber gloves on up to the elbows, armed with dusters and polish and fucking Voldemort comes bursting out of a necklace to shout at Hermione and tell her she’s gonna fail all her exams.
• I’m not convinced Hermione has parents. I think she leapt fully-formed from sea foam like Venus. when was the last time she went home? has she seen her parents for longer than two days at a time since she went to Hogwarts? why are the Grangers so fucking lenient? their daughter spends ¾ of her time at boarding school in another country and then comes home for a weekend and goes, “soz mum, I’m going to stay in a grungy house in London owned by a convicted murderer. slater!” and doesn’t come home for a fucking year. what the hell, Grangers? you’re dentists! I don’t expect this sort of behaviour from dentists! 
• omg when Harry bumps into Lucius Malfoy at the Ministry, Lucius says, “Well well well… Patronus Potter.” I think we can safely say that Draco inherited his incredible sense of humour from his dad. phew. that was a fucking humdinger. Patronus Potter. oh god, Lucius, stop. you’re killing me. there’s literally no excuse for this greeting slash insult slash abysmal attempt at “comedy”. he must have panicked and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. no wonder Draco is such a fucking clod. 
• Harry has a minor crisis when Mrs Weasley puts him on the spot about Bill’s hair. she’s blathering on about how out of hand it is and how GOOD LOOKING Bill is and how it’d look SO MUCH BETTER shorter and then she goes WOULDN’T IT, HARRY? and Harry’s like “oh — I dunno —” and, I quote, “a bit alarmed.” the best thing is if you read it in the right tone of voice it’s like that arsehole friend who compliments the person you fancy right in front of you and then goes DON’T YOU THINK SO??? and does that insane smirk/eyebrow wiggle combo and you’re left like y—yeah? yeah h h ?  you loo k fi ne ?? which is essentially what harry does here. essentially. it is absolutely what happens. 
• okay, so, regarding the whole “Notorious Mass Murderer OR Innocent Singing Sensation?” thing: what if Sirius really IS Stubby Boardman, lead singer of The Hobgoblins? I’m serious. out of every single person in the Harry Potter universe, who seems the man most likely to create an alias and start a fucking rock band? yeah. Doris Purkiss doesn’t seem so batty now, does she? 
• I feel like MANNERS, POTTER, OR I’LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU DETENTION deserves a bullet point all of its own, because really? really, Draco Malfoy? this sounds like a fucking PORN OPENING. you are a HOT, GAY MESS. any money he walked out of the compartment, closed the door behind him and immediately had a I Can’t Believe I Said That meltdown and Goyle had to take him down the train to get a cup of builders’ tea. 
• speaking of Draco Malfoy, Useless Idiot, I have chosen to believe that his emphasis on the word “dogging” was simply him putting feelers out. he’s new to the dogging scene and is testing the waters. you never know where you’ll find a fellow dogger, especially in the wizarding world. hop in a thestral-drawn carriage, park it in the forest, wait for the magic to happen.
• while we’re on the subject: they’re all sitting at the Gryffindor table talking about how the hat wants them all to be mates, and Harry goes, “and it wants all the houses to be friends?” then IMMEDIATELY zeroes in on Draco at the Slytherin table. like. Haz. you are casual acquaintances with so many Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. you could have glanced at any of them — you do, in fact, have to LOOK PAST ALL OF THEM to see fucking Draco fucking Malfoy AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALL. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, HARRY! YOU’RE GIVING THE GAME AWAY!
• I know that the “have a biscuit, Potter” scene is everyone’s favourite bit, but that must just be because everyone’s forgotten the second biscuit-related exchange: ‘“Have another biscuit,” she said irritably, thrusting the tin at him. “No thanks,” Harry said coldly. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she snapped. He took one.’ fucking Minerva all like “you’re turning down a biccy because you’ve got the monk on with me? what in god’s name is wrong with you?”

myurbandream:

gotham-mother-of-monsters:

my problem with the ‘harry becomes lord of 2/¾/5 ancient noble houses’ trope is so unbelievably petty because its that fic writers don’t take it to the potential extreme. like, okay, you wanna make harry the bossest of bitches i get that, i understand, i have that urge too from time to time, but c’mon, be a little more creative about it please

so how about a fic where harry goes to gringotts after the fighting is all over to try to make peace with the goblin nation because this boy does not need more problems and after much hostility and some groveling and promises of future payments for damages caused a plucky goblin lass comes and shuffles harry into her tiny cube office to discuss the nature of his financial situation

(this is a grave insult among goblins. getting handled by a female, first of all, because they are supposedly less capable bankers, hello misogyny among other species, and because they consider anyone who needs help with his money to be lower than cave scum. harry doesn’t know about his. and if he did, he wouldn’t care because he does, desperately, need help)

and plucky goblin lass (who we will call PGL for short) brings out this MASSIVE tome of parchment and slams it down on her desk. a cloud of dust rises. harry sneezes and gets a terrible feeling. some of the parchment is mildewing. the stack is taller than his hand is wide. this can only end badly

PGL tells him that he’ll need to read the entire book to fully comprehend the new scope of his property and harry kind of weakly says “what??”

and it turns out that heyo, when the death eaters swore to follow voldemort with all their lives and souls and magic in their little racist hearts they actually swore a modified liege lord oath which also has the coincidental side effect of ceding all titles (and property connected to said titles) held to the lord in question too. haha how funny who knew

and that’s an ongoing thing. so voldemort was the de facto head of two dozen magical houses at the beginning of the war and he just picked up more as he gained more followers and he probably could have just voted himself and his crew into every position of the government and run the country like that if he cared to do it but voldemort was not about dat political life. he wanted change and he wanted it now. he wanted to MAKE AMERICA MAGICAL BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN. so he started a civil war and just never informed his loyal death eaters of that little fact because they didn’t need to know.

and you might think that gringotts vaults are tied into bloodlines but they’re really not. the malfoy family vault belongs to whoever is the current head of the malfoy family. normally, that’s a malfoy and his malfoy spawn becomes the next head and so it passes through the family, accumulating inherited wealth. it was a working system until voldemort got involved and exploited the ever-living hell out of it.

now this all becomes harry’s problem because it turns out that Right of Conquest is an actual thing. what was voldemort’s is now his and voldemort has has the time to accumulate A Metric Fuck Ton of stuff.

also connected to titles are votes in the wizengamot. and whoo boy, this is where harry’s problem becomes really really really problematic. because the noble families squabble over those votes like children, hoarding them and passing them down, occasionally trading them for advantageous marriages and such, but mostly jealously guarding them like the politcal gold they are. it’s such a bitterly tight-fisted market that any one family has ~maybe~ three or  four votes.

and now harry bloody potter has a hundred of the things and a completely unintentional stranglehold on the government. whoops

and then hermione would shotput harry straight into the
wizengamot

against his protests and things would become so hilarious i just

some jerkass attempts to increase his own salary for doing basically nothing

“how about no,” harry and his hundred votes say.

somebody attempts to tighten restrictions on where magical creatures like vampires and werewolves can work

“how about no.” harry crosses his arms. “actually, how about we repeal those bullshit laws already in place that make it almost impossible for werewolves to get a job right now, hmmmm? and how about we put something in place to catch abusive owners of house elves? and make sure they get paid? and vacation days? and healthcare? actually how about we get healthcare for EVERYBODY HOW ABOUT T H A T?”

ten generations of purebloods cry out in horror. look upon him ye mighty and despair.

the years after voldemort’s defeat don’t go down in history as The Golden Era. in fact, thanks to harry bloody potter (and some incessant nudging by hermione granger), they go down as The Decade of Frankly Astonishing Strides Toward Equality *cough* enforced by a semi-plutocracy.

(all thanks to a third tier plot never really explored by a would-be dictator YOU’RE ALL WELCOME)

Omg this is beautiful.