Steve needs to have a Swear Jar and every time someone says a profanity in front of him, he just holds it out. The especially bad ones cost two dollars, don’t think Steve will let you get away with that. And this goes on for months and months and when Bucky starts coming around, he notices it. And he also notices how Steve doesn’t swear in front of any of the Avengers.
And when he gets Steve alone, he’s like, “what gives, you’ve got the worst mouth out of anyone I know.”
And Steve, with a perfectly innocent expression, says, “they made assumptions, Buck. I think those assumptions should at least buy a new bike, don’t you?”
And Bucky just stares at him, awed, like, “I forgot how fucking devious you are.”
I imagine if Onesie and Ace traveled together, it would go something like this
“Hey, Gramps!”
“My dear young lady, how many more times must I remind you to not refer to me as gramps!”
“Sorry, Profes-”
“Or Professor! What was it you wanted?”
[explosion in the background]
“Oh my-”
“Ace shot, Professor!”
“Oh, thank you, my dear. You know, I think I’m starting to get the- eh, the hang of this Nitro stuff of yours! Yes, yes, it’s quite enjoyable, actually!”
[explosions in the background]
“Oh no, they’re at it again!”
Don’t worry, Susan. Ace is just bonding with her future grandfather-in-law.
it’s weird how bra commercials are more aimed towards straight male audiences more than the audience that’s actually gonna buy a fuckn bra
If it were aimed toward women, it would be like “THIS BRA IS COMFY AS SHIT! YOU WON’T WANNA TAKE IT OFF. LOOK AT THE HIRED MALE ACTORS SWOONING OVER THE HIRED ACTRESS”
SOOOOLD
THIS BRA WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE CHRIS EVANS IS PERSONALLY HOLDING YOUR BREASTS 24/7. LOOK THIS SHIT COMES IN LIKE 78 DIFFERENT COLORS TO MATCH YOUR SKIN TONE OR YOUR CLOTHING OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, YOU GOT OPTIONS! NO LACE WE CAN DO NO LACE THAT SHIT ITCHES. YOU WANT POLKADOTS FUCK YEAH POLKA DOTS! LOOK EACH CUP HAS POCKETS IN IT FUCKING HELL POCKETS IN YOUR BRA CALM THE FUCK DOWN WORLD LET ME TAKE THIS ALL IN. MACHINE WASHABLE FUCK YEAH THROW THIS SHIT IN YOUR WASHER, IT’S NOT GONNA TANGLE, IT’S MADE WITH ASGARDIAN BILGESNIPE TAIL HAIR IT’S INDESTRUCTABLE. THIS BRA’S GONNA BEEP IF IT DETECTS CANCER IN YOUR BOOBS THAT SHIT AIN’T RIGHT SO CHECK YOUR BOOBS PEOPLE. FUCK YEAH THIS BRA IS AMAZING. SCIENCE.
You had me at “this bra will make you feel like Chris Evans is personally holding your breasts 24/7”
A human getting pissed at their vampire boyfriend so they put in a silver sterling tongue stud and bracelets and earrings and their vampire boyfriend is just standing five feet away like “babe. c’mon.”
“And the closet space, I really gotta stress that. We’re trying to fit in two standard wardrobes plus one die-hard shopaholic. Isn’t that right, Peggy?”
Peggy purses her crimson lips and glares. “Good point, James. I hardly know how Steve and I are going to fit our clothes in beside your dozen leather jackets.”
"How big is the bath tub?” Steve blushes right to the roots of his hair as the words leave his mouth. “I mean, I need a lot of, uh, room when I bathe. All by myself, obviously. With my, uh. Long legs.”
“And with me and Peggy,” James adds cheerfully. He does not blush. “I mean, we gotta have room to relax a little, you know? Last place we rented had this tiny little tub, I had to sit right in Steve’s lap just so the three of us could -“
"Yes, precisely,” says Peggy, cutting him off with a crisp little smile. “Do you think you can accommodate us, Mr. Wilson?”
Sam busies himself with his papers to hide the smile that’s creeping across his face. “You know,” he says, “I think we might have a couple of properties y’all are gonna want to see.”
“No, James, we cannot ‘adopt’ the fetching real estate agent.”
“Steve, c’mon, back me up here.”
“Steve is not going to ‘back you up’. …Steve, what’s that face all about?”
“Well, I mean. He seemed very… friendly.”
(Meanwhile)
Sam flopped onto the couch and put his feet in Clint’s lap. “Man, you would not believe the day I had.”
Clint did not look appropriately sympathetic, but he did start rubbing Sam’s feet, which was all Sam really wanted.
Natasha prodded Sam to sit up so she could slide onto the other end of the couch. When he put his head back down onto her lap, she said, “Tell us.”
“Got a triad looking for a place — stupidly hot, all three of them, by the way — and god, I swear they made me take them to every. single. property I’ve got that even halfway met their specs.”
Natasha hummed soothingly and petted Sam’s forehead. Clint dug his thumbs into the arch of Sam’s foot and said, “…How stupidly hot?”
