thor and gamora in their weekly “villainous blue adopted sibling” support group
thor: loki keeps stabbing me 🙁
gamora: so stab him back???? what’s the big deal that’s his way of saying hello
loki and nebula in their weekly “heroic older sibling who’s part of a superhero squad and gets all the attention” support group
loki: thor never stabs me back when i stab him 🙁
nebula: so stab him harder????
if golf and football switched commentators 😂
I just lost 3 years of my life
UNMUTE THIS OH MY GOD
This would immesurably improve both sports.
(Source: https://digitaldiscipline.tumblr.com/)
How I died of a heart attack
Me: *listening to The Magnus Archives, a creepypasta podcast, on my bluetooth headphones*
Podcast: *has just gotten to the part where our hero, alone in the labyrinthine tunnels under his workplace where his predecessor was murdered, realizes he doesn’t know how long his flashlight batteries will last*
Literally the Podcast: I began to wonder how much battery I had in my torch. I had put a fresh one in before my expedition; I’m not stupid. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t actually know how long batteries last for continuous use in a –
My headphones, at top volume: YOUR BATTERY IS LOW.
via ift.tt
the man who spents hundreds of pages describing trees and meals and worked out the linguistics of multiple fictional languages and the entire cosmology of his fictionsl world called the Beatles’ rehearsal sounds “indescribable”
the lock jammed on the front door of my shitty prewar apartment building so i just spent twenty minutes forcing it open while my very drunk neighbor sat on the steps nodding at my efforts and going “this is fun. being locked out together. we should hang out more”
he’s like 6’2” and jacked at one point he was like “try a kick. try… kicking it” so i donkey kicked it as hard as i could and it did absolutely nothing but he was still like “wow. more torque…. than i expected. you’ve got a surprising, uh. torque to size ratio” and i think i’m putting it on my resume
#BUCKY AND STEVE #MERRILY DRUNK STEVE ROGERS: ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED TO BE LOCKED OUT WITH THE HOT NEIGHBOR TWUNK #STEVE: YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU COULD DO. YOU COULD KICK ME IN THE FACE. WITH YOUR MOUTH. I WOULD. I WOULD ENJOY IT #BUCKY: YOU SMELL LIKE CAMPARI AND QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICES #STEVE: I CAN BE YOUR QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICE #BUCKY: I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ALRIGHT #BUCKY: HERE’S MY NUMBER SO I CAN ASK THEM WHEN YOU’RE SOBER (via @rohkeutta)
I was trying to think of the word “chaperone” but my brain said “sappherone” so I present you:
Sappherone: Person who goes out with two useless lesbians who don’t realise they’re on a date and makes them see they have feelings for each other
I thought about using this in a fic and then wondered for a moment what would be the gay equivalent. But then I understood it’s most probably a Stamford. Also can be used as a verb… 😉
Greg: What is your street name?
Sherlock: Shezza.
Greg: You live on a street called ‘Shezza’?
Sherlock:
Sherlock: Ohh. You meant my address.