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personal emotional stuff below the cut
I’m just having one of those rather insecure moments. Which is stupid. I have friends, now. And I know plenty of you out here like me. But then sometimes I just feel so small and wonder when the bubble will burst.
What happens when you have no friends until your 11. You never quite learn to socialize properly.
Sorry, you can ignore all this.
mild bit of personal in regards to bullying:
I hadn’t realized until I watched that episode how much of a trigger bullying is for me. I mean, I was a badly picked on little kid and I know I still have a bucket of crap from the way I was treated, but seeing the way Sam was getting picked on just brought all of those emotions right back to the surface. And I wrote a damned fic about Dean getting bullied.
Still, interesting that even 25 years after the fact, seeing a little kid get picked on just brings all that gut-wrenching fear back to the surface. And mine was never physical, but getting told by your peers every single day that you’re stupid and ugly and worthless wears on a person…
i’ll shut up and stop being emo now.
I need some advice, so uh, hi hive mind/followers/random people.
My parents are coming out to visit later this month. It’s been 2 years or so since I’ve seen them in person, and I’m developing a growing anxiety even this far in advance of seeing them.
Love them, not the best emotional history between my mother and I. I know from previous experience I tend to revert around them and get the confidence sucked right out of me.
It’s going to be nearly a week with them. Now I’m a fully capable adult, but I’m honestly a little scared/intimidated. Anyway, anyone have any advice in how not to revert to a scared fifteen year old as soon as I’m around my mother longer then an hour?
My hubby just rather impressed me. I pulled up the supernatural playlist on spotify, which is mostly classic rock with some other stuff. Most songs he could name in 30 seconds or less.
See, he’s a bit like Dean Winchester.
When I told him that he was Dean Winchester with a dash of John Watson, he said “Nope, I’m John Wayne with a dash of Hank Williams, Jr.”. Yep, that’s the dude I married…
I just realized…I’m married to a dude that’s mostly Dean Winchester with a bit of John Watson. Sadly not into my geek stuff though. But…he’s Army (Afghanistan AND Iraq), loves pie more then anything, constantly listens to classic rock, has a decent collection of firearms, is utterly loyal, does NOT have an impala, but has had several other classic cars, built a bit like martin freeman… yeah, I’m a lucky lady 
I hate driving hubby’s truck, but driving a stick always makes me feel a little badass.
Bonus points for blasting “carry on wayward son.”
Holy crap, I have a fic with 125 kudos. And another one is inching close to 2800 hits. That’s….incredible.
You know what, even if it is smutty fanfiction…2000 people have looked at it, or at least a few people a bunch of times…And several fics are over the 2k mark.
That’s insane. And humbling.
I hate feeling like this, on the downward side. Depression lies. I’ve been downright prolific with with writing, putting out short little 1k or so story every day. Even if its just fanfic. I’ve gained like ten followers. Sold a couple ebooks of my novel.
But I’m still feeling the swamp of despair sucking at my ankles, telling me it isn’t good enough, that nobody really cares. I know that’s lies. Still some days all I can do is put one foot in front of the other.
Sorry. Just needed to vent, and put in writing the good things.