Sorry, I’m not up to date on the details of Star Wars outside the movies, but was R2-D2, like, Leia’s droid between the Prequels and the Original Trilogy? Whatever the case, I think I might need it to happen in a crack fic.
Because I’ve suddenly imagined R2-D2 accompanying Leia to her Senate meetings. In reality, it would probably be very dangerous for R2 and Leia. But I think it would be perfect for a crack fic.
Like, just imagine if Leia and R2 are just strolling around the halls of the Senate, with Leia ranting to R2 about something or other. And then bump into an older Senator by accident. And at first it’s all pleasantries and apologies, but then the older Senator takes one look at R2, turns a color that is not a good color for their people to turn, and then says in utter horror, “IT’S YOU!”
Because surely there must be older Senators out there from before the Empire, who remember that horrible little nightmare droid who tailed those awful Jedi around and occasionally Senator Amidala. (Like, there must be people out there who witnessed R2 blow up a building or even straight-up kill someone.)
And Leia’s like, “What? You know my droid?”
And the Senator’s got a hand over their heart, both to soothe themselves and a little protectively, and says, “My dear, I couldn’t forget that thing if I was dead. That’s the little bastard who set me on fire! Granted, it was an accident and it saved Senator Amidala’s life again, but still. She was far too fond of it! That and that debonair Jedi it belonged to!”
And Leia lights up immediately because oho, this is interesting. Meanwhile R2 is basically swearing up a storm trying to push her away. And the Senator has an expression on their face like, “Oh, damn, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Anyway, Leia accidentally figures out who her parents were because R2 is a memorable asshole that old politicians still see in their nightmares.
I want either that crack fic or an even crackier fic that goes like this:
Darth Vader: *walking down a hall in the Senate building, annoyed af that the Emperor is making him be here to intimidate people for some vote or another, scrolling clickbait quizzes or ship commercials on his datapad*
The sound of something clattering comes from ahead. Darth Vader looks up and sees a droid getting kicked out of a conference room, beeping explicitly and indignantly over just being lost, at the far end of the hall. The droid looks down the hall at Darth Vader. It’s unmistakably R2-D2.
Darth Vader: “…”
R2-D2: “…”
R2: *backs up one inch*
Vader: *takes one step forward*
R2: *SCREAMS*
R2-D2 whirls around immediately and flees around the corner. Vader is too surprised to immediately stop his old droid, but drops the datapad and books it after him (as much as DV can book it). What proceeds is probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader.
It ends in R2, covered in soot and scratches, barely managing to get away after causing enormous amounts of mayhem and property damage.
Leia: “There you are! Artoo, where have you been?”
R2: *beeps* (translation: “Out.”)
So uh
Excellent. This is exactly what I wanted.
“
probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader”
Oh my God.
Vader just awkwardly powerwalking after a screaming Astromech.
Because R2-D2 is so iconic as Luke’s Droid™, and even in Clone Wars and RotS as Anakin’s Droid™ that I think it’s easy to forget that Artoo is Padmé’s.
I mean the little guy was cheeky and confident and saving his mistress’ life before she even met him. And that’s not to say he doesn’t bond with Anakin right away in Phantom Menace, but the thing is he stays with Padmé
for the next…ten years? Eight years at absolute minimum.
And the thing is Artoo was assigned to the royal cruiser, almost certainly property of the Crown–by rights, Jamillia should own him by this point. And yet there he is with Senator Amidala. Did he just decide to stay with her and no one questioned it? Did she buy him? Was he a gift? No matter how it happened, by the time they run into Anakin again Artoo and Padmé are almost literally inseparable.
Artoo stays with her when she’s posing as a fighter pilot. Artoo–an astromech droid, not a specialized security unit–is the one who guards her while she sleeps.
Artoo accompanies her when she’s undercover, for no apparent reason. Why do you need an R2 unit at Varykino? What possible benefit could he be? If anything he draws unwanted attention. He’s there because Padmé
wants him there. (And, I suspect, because he refused to stay behind.)
Artoo saves her life. Artoo is at her wedding. Artoo takes care of her husband for her (and yes, despite shipping Padmé with Sabé with the passion of a thousand suns, I think it’s adorable that she and Anakin assign their respective most trusted droids to take care of each other.) Artoo is there for the birth of her children. Artoo watches herdie. And Artoo spends Leia’s entire life as the only person in the universe who knows everything. And he has to carry that knowledge by himself, because Threepio doesn’t remember. And yet over the decade-and-then-some between series, he manages to keep them together. Because they’re married Artoo is Padmé’s, and Threepio is Anakin’s, and they’re supposed to do this together.
Fast forward to ANH and we find Artoo exactly where he’s always been, protecting his mistress. He takes care of the Skywalker kids exactly as fiercely as he ever took care of their mother. (”I found her! She’s here, she’s here, she’s here!” ”Do you think he likes me?”)
He crossed half the galaxy to find Leia, who wasn’t even his owner; because she was Padmé‘s daughter and he had a duty to fulfill. And just as an added bonus he found Luke, too.
And he never once leaves them.
And the fact is it all started because Padmé’s best friend wanted to play a trick on her.
I will forever maintain that the reason Artoo was the droid Leia used was because Artoo went to go find her as soon as the Tantive IV came under attack. (Came under attack by Anakin Vader, no less…)
