retail story time: ive probably told you this before but like a year ago at work i was closing and we are like five minutes from closing the doors and leaving. it’s late. we close at 10pm during the holiday season and it was like 9:56 when this woman walks in with a shopping cart.
now, if you work in retail, you know this sort of customer. those assholes who walk in right before you close and take their time shopping and act like they dont notice the announcements that “the store is now closed. please bring your final selection up to the front for checkout.” or that every employee is so fucking done for the night and want to get home. or that they are the only customer in the store. and when they have a shopping cart, you know they’re gonna be a while.
so a solid half hour after we are officially closed this woman comes to my register, because i am the only one open. because it’s ten fucking thirty pm and everyone else is ready to leave and ive been stuck here for eleven hours because someone called out and i was already there and a fucking idiot.
and this woman, she’s a Suburban Mom
™ type and, like all the fucking moms who come into this store, she doesnt have a coupon because she expects us to just give it to her. and we will, if they ask. except i, after a solid hour of no customers and foolishly thinking nobody would come, had gotten rid of my coupons a few minutes before she walked in. so when she asks if i had a coupon i say no, i’m sorry, i don’t have one at the register.
and this woman, she leans in and tells me “you know, i’m a professional psychic.” and i think “oh christ here we go”
and long island medium here, immune to the glares of the other employees who want her to just fucking pay and leave, goes on and on about this boy who loves me. we are soul mates, she says. destined to be. but there is a power keeping us apart. she mentions this “power” keeping me from mr. right several times.
i, exhausted and frustrated and wanting to go home, reply “is it the power of me being a lesbian?”
she pays and leaves without another word.
Things retail workers really want to tell you, but can’t:
1. It is not free. It is never free. Unless there is a sign on it that specifically says “FREE” it is not free
2. We hate capitalism but it also pays our bills so we have to love it
3. You being a dick to me for no reason is not going to make your experience any better. Or me any nicer.
4. “Service with a smile” is really taking a toll on my facial muscles. My resting bitch face wasn’t made for this.
5. Your “I just printed it this morning” jokes when I run your bill for counterfeit isn’t funny. We actually take this shit seriously.
6. I know the store inventory better than you. I can bring it up on my computer screen. So when you tell me to go “check the back” I don’t know what you want me to do other than to wander aimlessly, say hi to my buddies in other departments and tell you what I already know.
7. Don’t wink at us. Don’t mistake good customer service for flirting. It’s creepy. It makes us super uncomfortable. And when you make comments to us while we ring you out, it makes everything more awkward.
8. Why the fuck did you shit on the bathroom floor the toilet was right there
9. If an employee says they are off the clock or on break, do not bother them. Seriously. Don’t.
10. Don’t be a dick to retail workers. No one gets paid enough for that.
Also, we don’t fucking control the goddamn prices. We cannot give you fucking discounts out of the air. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT BEING TOO EXPENSIVE TAKE YA ASS OUT THEN
