I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.
I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.
But surely there are also the kids, who – because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird – decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?
Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.
But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?
Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.
So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.
The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.
At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.
They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.
When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.
A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.
The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?
Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.
The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.
Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.
The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.
Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”
The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”
Heroes: “… no~ but…”
The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”
Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.
The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”
Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”
Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”
The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”
Villain: “Indeed.”
Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>
The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”
Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>
The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”
Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”
The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”
Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”
Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”
The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.
But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.
Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.
Okay this absolutely needs to be a full-length novel or movie, immediately.
Okay, I want a superhero story in which the superhero is one of those ‘normal kid gets superpowers through freak accident’ and goes out and fights crime, and of course runs into the supervillain at some point and tries to take them down. And the villain, a couple minutes into the fight, realizes they’re fighting a literal child and just has an internal freak-out about this new development. Because, fine, I’ve got plans to steal all of the world’s largest gems and I’m generally not a nice person, but holy fuck there’s a kid coming at me. This is a kid. I can’t with this.
So the supervillain instead of trying to kill/hurt their nemesis goes through all these complicated plans to trap them or put them to sleep or stick them in a large tank or something so they can go ahead with it. Sometimes it works and the supervillain spends a harried half hour lecturing the superhero about maybe going to school and being safe instead of doing this, that would be nice.
The supervillain staying up at night occasionally wondering if the tiny superhero is out there trying to get themselves killed right this moment. The supervillain sending supervillain henchmen ninjas out to tail the superhero and help out if it ever looks like the superhero is going to get killed. The supervillain takes to pacing around and muttering to themselves occasionally about PARENTING and RESPONSIBILITY and how they never signed up for this shit. Actually petitioning their version of the Justice League to have someone step in and do something about this, that kid has to be like twelve and what is everyone thinking???? Bonus points if the kid has no parents and the villain finds this out and spends a night internally screaming about it.
Basically I want a supervillain unwittingly becomes the super worried parent of the kid who is actively trying to foil their every plan and topple their evil regime.
Realizing the superhero has no
family the supervillain puts the heist on hold for a few months. Obviously the
only thing to do done is to adopt the little superhero and get them off the
street before anything awful happens. The world doesn’t need more dead kids.So the supervillain signs up to
become a foster parent. He gets a background check. He rounds up his henchmen
and starts his own company (social networking natch’), just so social services have
co-workers to interview. And honestly, everything is going great.Until Nate, aka Ninja #4, takes
a late night shift on IT and instead of getting a call from someone who accidentally
fried their computer by spilling a drink on it, he gets a call from a distraught
woman whose abusive spouse won’t let her leave. She sabotaged the computer and
since the spouse won’t deal with it, she’s calling, and begging for help.
Whispering desperate pleas for someone to come fix the situation.Well, that’s not going to fly.
So Ninja Nate calls the boss, and the supervillain is not having any of it.
Robbing people is fine, beating spouses is not. So the ninja squad is
dispatched to go “repair” the computer and at the end of the day the nice lady
has a computer and the abusive spouse is in jail for forever.The next day the supervillain
is delighted to learn he is adopting a child. Only, when he goes to pick the
kid up, it isn’t the superhero, it’s a newborn. A cuddly infant who was taken
away from a parent in the hospital for reasons social services won’t discuss.
They warn the supervillain that this is temporary. The parents may want
parental rights back, the child isn’t his, but you know… love the baby like it
is.Terrified, the supervillain has
the ninjas add a new room to the fortress of doom, install a nursery with a
nice neutral forest theme, and then he starts a college fund. Because that’s
what new parents do, right?And, while he’s at it, the supervillain
starts a college fund for the 12yo superhero and hires him a tutor. And pays
for improvements to the school. And sends the ninjas over to give the superhero
a new computer (out of uniform of course). The superhero considers this highly suspicious,
but being 12 they are willing to accept that sometimes you do win prizes from
bringing in box tops and a new computer will really help with the homework.Now, the supervillain is out of
cash, has a newborn, and has to run a heist. So he sends the superhero a free
copy of DragonAge (content fixed to be suitable for a 12yo if necessary), and
goes on a heist.For ten years this goes on. The
supervillain sets up college trust funds for hundreds of children. He never
gets to adopt the superhero, but he sends him games, tutors, and covers the
rent for a few months when the 16yo superhero can’t get a job one winter.Finally, the supervillain
realizes he’s no longer fighting a kid. He calls the ninjas in, puts them in
the IT room, and goes to complete his villainous heist. The superhero arrives with
a cute little sidekick, who takes one look at the supervillain and starts
screaming like crazy because the sidekick think the superhero and supervillain
planned the surprise party to get the kid back with the only dad he’s ever
known.The supervillain fostered the
sidekick for 17 months starting when the sidekick was 9, and those were the
best 17 months of the kid’s life. Four years later, the sidekick ran away from
home and was adopted by the superhero who always felt like there was a guardian
angel watching out for lost kids with no parents.Not wanting to disappoint the
sidekick, the superhero says, “Of course! Surprise! I wanted to get you back
with your dad! Happy family reunion!”And, naturally, the
supervillain has to be good because this is one of his kids and how could he
let them down a second time.The superhero and the
supervillain talk after the teenager has been sent to bed, and they agree that
if they restructure the social network the supervillain set up, and take it
public, the company would earn more legally than the supervillain could make
illegally, and that would allow them to do more to work legally against
domestic violence and advocate for kids in the foster system.So the supervillain never got
to adopt the superhero, but they do Thanksgiving together every year along with
the ninjas, and lots and lots of foster kids. All who have amazing trust funds
and only some who happen to have superpowers.Please write this. Please. I am begging you.
